


At Their Own Pace

by lincyclopedia



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Coming Out, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Larissa "Lardo" Duan, Nonbinary Shitty Knight, Other, POV Third Person, POV Third Person Limited, Present Tense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:07:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26400889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lincyclopedia/pseuds/lincyclopedia
Summary: During Shitty’s first year at Harvard Law, they come out to Lardo as nonbinary.
Relationships: Larissa "Lardo" Duan/Shitty Knight
Comments: 8
Kudos: 61





	At Their Own Pace

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [OrSaiKellieLonore](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrSaiKellieLonore) for the cheer-reading, and apologies for not using more of your research!

At first, Shitty's ashamed. Lardo's nonbinary. So is Nursey. Bitty and Dex are trans. So how the _hell_ did Shitty fail to realize they themself are not cis until they're fucking 23 years old? How? 

But slowly it dawns on them. SMH was _so queer_ that traditional assumptions about masculinity held less sway there, and obviously their WGSS classes didn't shoehorn them into a gender box. They had often felt a little uncomfortable around the poli sci bros—they'd put it down to ideological differences, but maybe that wasn't all it was. Regardless, now, at Harvard, isolated from their queer support network, they're deeply uncomfortable with the assumptions people make about their identity. 

Finally, they work up the courage to Skype Lardo. (Shitty's embarrassed about how long this takes. Lardo is nonbinary and pan. It's going to be fine. They can still be together. Right?) After exchanging greetings, Shitty launches into the heart of the matter: "I've been thinking about gender."

Lardo rolls their eyes. "You're always thinking about gender, Shits."

"No, I mean, my own gender."

"Reflecting on that male privilege again?" Lardo asks, smirking. 

Shitty flinches. 

"I'll take that as a no," says Lardo. 

Shitty rubs the back of their neck. “I don’t know how I didn’t notice it for this long, that my whole ‘fuck gender norms’ thing was really more of a ‘fuck gender’ thing. Like, I know you’ve seen me in dresses and I’m not saying I want to wear them all the time but I do want to wear them sometimes, and not as a joke or a statement, just as me being me. And it’s not just presentation. I know you know how I felt about the poli sci bros and how I never felt like one of them, and I thought it was just because they were such douchebags but I think there was a gendered aspect of it, too. 

“And maybe I should have felt that way about SMH, too, and I guess maybe I did at first, but by the time I was an upperclassman—fuck I wish there was a gender-neutral word for that—Bitty was there, and then Dex and Nursey showed up too, and Nursey had been . . . not _out_ -out, but flirting with it, even at Andover, and even though the rest of the team was cis there were still plenty more of them who were queer in other ways, and it just . . . wasn’t a big deal. Not the way it is here at Harvard. Like, my class isn’t homogenous, but there are still way too many cishet douchebros and they think I’m one of them, and I _hate_ that assumption, and a lot of the women in my classes say things about how I wouldn’t understand this or that thing because I’m a man, and I know I move through the world differently because of the body I’m in and my current presentation, and I know theory does not equal lived experience, but I hate being called a man. Like, a lot. And it’s hitting in a way that the term ‘Samwell Men’s Hockey’ never did.” 

Shitty lets their hand drop into their lap and takes a deep breath, in and out, because they barely breathed during that entire rant. 

Lardo studies them for a few more seconds and then says, “That sucks, and it’s also massively relatable.” 

“Yeah?” says Shitty, laughing a little in relief. “I was worried you were going to say I was making things up or doing it wrong or misunderstanding myself somehow. I mean, not really. I know you wouldn’t. Just. Catastrophizing.” 

Lardo looks sad. “I’m sorry. That’s rough. To be clear, I believe you, and you are the gender you identify as. If you say you’re not cis, then you’re not cis.” 

“Thanks,” says Shitty. 

Lardo waves them off. “You don’t have to thank me for that. Have you made any decisions about what I should call you? Or who you want to tell, or anything like that?”

“I still want to go by Shitty,” Shitty says immediately. “It’s not like it’s a gendered name, not that there would be a problem with using a traditionally masculine or feminine name if I wanted to. They/them pronouns, I think? Like, I might try out or even settle on something else later, but I know I want to stop using he/him, and I’m pretty sure she/her wouldn’t be right, and if I hate using they/them I might try neopronouns, but that’s not where I want to start, you know? Like, if I’m okay with keeping it relatively simple, that’ll be less of a hassle. As for who to tell, definitely the SMH crew. Everyone who played with Bitty, Dex, and Nursey should be chill, because we’d have figured it out by now if they weren’t. Maybe not the older guys. SMH was a lot less queer pre-2013, and I don’t want to try to guage who’s safe to come out to. I know that’s kind of cowardly, relying on other people to test the waters—”

“It’s not,” Lardo breaks in. “When it comes to trans stuff, it’s literally your safety on the line. You’re not morally obligated to risk that when you don’t know what the result will be.” 

Shitty ducks their head. “Thanks.” 

Lardo rolls their eyes. “You can stop thanking me. This is literally ‘how to treat someone who’s coming out to you 101,’ and I know you know that.” 

Shitty stares at their lap. “I mean, yeah. It feels different being on this side of it, though. Bigger.” 

“Well, duh,” says Lardo. “So you want to tell SMH. How about at Harvard? That’s the environment you’re in that’s affecting you right now, on the one hand, but it’s big and new and you don’t have data on how people will react, on the other.” 

“I mean, there are a couple enbies here, and most of the professors and students use their pronouns,” says Shitty. “But they’re both AFAB, and I get the vibe that quite a few people view being nonbinary as a phase some women go through, rather than as its own gender identity and something that has nothing to do with your anatomy. Plus, I don’t know how people would do with switching pronouns for me mid-semester. On the other hand, I’m really getting tired of being called a man, and the way I’m always ‘Mr. Knight’ when the professors cold-call me.” 

Lardo nods. “You don’t have to decide right now. Coming out is a process. If you’re not sure you want to be out at Harvard, do you know what that means for your presentation right now? Showing up at class in a dress would probably constitute an announcement.” 

“Yeah, I know,” says Shitty. “I think part of my hatred of clothing is a hatred of conventionally masculine clothing, but that’s just a theory right now because I haven’t tried clothing that’s perceived as feminine very often. It’s possible that I just hate wearing clothes. But regardless, I’m planning on continuing to wear the clothes I have now for the foreseeable future, and then I’ll reevaluate at some point. I do want to start growing my hair out again, though. Past flow length, unless I hate the maintenance of long hair. I know my father will be mad, but fuck him.” 

“Yeah,” says Lardo. “For sure. Be careful, will you, Shits?” 

Shitty frowns. “What do you mean?”

“I mean—for all that there are plenty of things that suck about the way society treats me for being born in an AFAB body, there are also ways that it’s advantageous to be AFAB if you’re going to play with gender. People who are read as women who are wearing clothing thought of as masculine don’t get a ton of negative attention in most contexts. I can wear pants every day if I want, and even if I wear a full suit meant for, like, a ten-year-old boy, most people roll with it. They also assume I’m a woman despite the clothing, which is hella obnoxious and sometimes makes me dysphoric, but they don’t generally threaten me with physical violence. That’s not the case for people who are read as male who wear dresses. Like, the rates of violence against trans women are obscene, as I know you know. It works in your favor that you’re white and thin, but even so, you’re not as physically strong as Jack or Rans or Holster. I know you’re strong, and I know Cambridge isn’t the most likely place to get beat up by transphobes, but I’m going to worry about you if you go out in public in dresses. Which isn’t to say you shouldn’t. Just. Be careful.” 

Shitty runs a hand down their face. “Fuck.” 

“Sorry,” says Lardo. 

“Not your fault,” Shitty replies. 

“I know,” Lardo says, “but still.” They’re quiet for a moment and then say, “I should have said this earlier, but I’m hella proud of you.” 

“Yeah?” Shitty says. “I feel bad about how long it took me to realize.” 

“Everyone goes at their own pace,” Lardo replies, shaking their head. “I mean, I get it. I think part of me will always feel like a failure when I look at the trans people who knew their gender from, like, age three. I know the feeling, and I’m not going to shame you for feeling it. But still. There’s no time limit on figuring things out.” 

“Thanks,” says Shitty. 

“Again, ‘how to treat someone who’s coming out to you 101.’” 

“Still, though,” says Shitty. 

Lardo shrugs. “Okay, then. You’re welcome.” 

“So we’re good?” Shitty asks. 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?”

“I mean, I know you’re pan, but at the start of this relationship you thought I was a man, so . . .”

“Oh,” says Lardo, realization dawning on their face. “Yeah, Shits. We’re definitely good.”


End file.
